Disclaimer: This story contains spoilers for the premiere of the Gossip Girl to restart.

I waited longer than I want to admit today; the premiere of the series Gossip Girl the reboot is finally here, and I’ve been honing my stuff-spotting skills on romantic comedies for literal years in the works. We’ve been promised a new set of younger, more self-aware teens to watch with hate, but no one can guess if the series will deliver the soapy delight of the original. Let’s dive in and see what creator Joshua Safran and his company have in store for us, okay?

  1. Opening shot from Peter Luger! My God, I want a steak (or, more accurately, a wealthy financier to buy me one).
  2. We cross the Williamsburg Bridge to the subway cars, from where … maybe we’re supposed to deduce that the new Gossip Girl the children take the metro? A probable story.
  3. OMG, Tavi! I have the impression that only yesterday I was connecting to the school computer to read The style recruit… oh, how we’ve grown.
  4. Three rich children named – quite perfectly – Julien, Monet and Luna are texting to find out what jewelry to wear.
  5. Wow, Grammy-winning Julien’s dad is dressed in absolute perfection in a knit beanie that screams “Sure, I might be a teenager, but I’m still cool!” He wishes her a good first day of school, and we are made to understand that we are in a post-pandemic universe. (I think?)
  6. Protest signs and sex before the two minute mark, so you know you’re watching a 2021 update of Gossip Girl!
  7. We meet Zoya, the new girl in the air of Jenny Humphrey, whose mysterious half-sister is dating Constance Billard, where Zoya is about to enroll in the first year. She has a cute, nervous daddy and expensive sneakers.
  8. Ah, the nauseating sight of a teenager spending more money than I currently have in my bank account. I really missed it.
  9. I’m sorry … does Tavi play a teacher? A teacher that popular children feel comfortable harassing? I am officially crone-experienced.
  10. “They attack us because they can,” laments a nerdy professor. Somehow all the teachers are this young and sexy?
  11. OMG, well done to Nate Archibald! Apparently he’s an esteemed alum. I can not even.
  12. We slowly get the legend of Gossip Girl, described as an “Orwellian big sister” who kept tabs on the students and, thus, kept them in line. Now, however, they are blind influencers regardless of the world. Sorry, but I’m calling BS about this; I have a feeling that rich kids must behave slightly better in 2021 than they were in 2009, if only because there is now a much more sophisticated online tracking system. I can’t play too much in an Instagram world, or Yale will hear about it!
  13. Good then Julian is Zoya’s mysterious half-sister.
  14. And we pop Addys and Benzos! How very Soundcloud-rapper.
  15. LMAO, there’s a really good turmeric-latte cry.
  16. The words “cancel culture” were used. Everyone drinks!
  17. Tavi defends rich kids, saying it’s not their fault they inherited privileges. In a way, I feel that she will eventually regret this position.
  18. So now the … teachers are Gossip Girl? By Twitter? Hmm. Where is the mystery?
  19. It turns out that Zoya and Julien aren’t actually separated half-sisters; they have close matching tattoos and they bond with their common mother in the school toilet.
  20. “We own this school. They work for us,” Julien tells Zoya, which is similar to the mindset of the horrible school kids I grew up with, but I think we’re supposed to find it charming, so … before.
  21. Julien tries to subtly integrate Zoya into his group of friends, which one of his friends does not agree with, because “she is wearing a blindfold”. Shadow to Blair Waldorf!
  22. I have no idea what happens next, because I’m so distracted by this kid’s cheekbones, which literally seem to be forged from glass.
  23. Zoya is a guest at the members-only kids’ club. Goal!
  24. Okay, this rocks: no one even likes the professors’ fake Gossip Girl tweet.
  25. I am so overwhelmed by the way these kids talk to their teachers! Am I … old?
  26. Oh, Zoya has a 9 p.m. curfew. High school sucks, man, even when you look like a model.
  27. The teachers organize a Gossip Girl summit at Tavi’s house and agree to… bully teenage boys, this time with a particularly inflammatory tweet about Zoya.
  28. There is the Gossip Girl VO that I missed! I love you, Kristen Bell.
  29. Now, just like in high school, I wonder how the eleventh grade students managed to get hold of fake IDs good enough to get into cool bars. Guess that’s what lavish wealth gets you, but my false (if I had ever had one, which I categorically deny) was only good for occasionally finishing a twelve pack of Smirnoff Ice from the bodega.
  30. Oh-oh, Julien’s caring boyfriend looks a little too interested in Zoya. I wonder where this is going!
  31. I love these kids who drink martinis, a drink I still can’t swallow at the age of 27.
  32. “Sant Ambroeus or Yura for the coffee,” instructs Julien, and I am immersed in my feelings, remembering how ridiculously expensive Yura was. (Funny story time: when I briefly attended school that Gossip Girl‘s Constance Billard is based on, my mom sent me on my first excursion with Lunchables in a paper bag, while all the other girls had Yura salmon windmills in a colorful plastic tote . Guess what I’m saying here is … eat the ultra rich, then their salmon windmills?)
  33. OMG, Zoya is added to the text of the group! A bridge too far, at least according to Julien’s nasty friends. To be fair, I would be crazy about that too, because a group text is sacred and consecrated ground.
  34. Time to connect to the bar!
  35. Everyone receives an IG alert from Gossip Girl, alerting them to the fact that Julien bought Zoya’s path in Constance Billard. Zoya didn’t know any of this and is pissed off. Sorry, but am I really supposed to believe that a teenage student literally decides which kids get scholarships?
  36. I have to say that as far as the drama goes, it could be juicier.
  37. Okay, depressed, joyless teenage couple taking a shallow photo of IG Stories because they feel like they have to (mid-fight, no less), in fact, strike at home. Protect Generation Z!
  38. Zoya comes home with Julien’s caring boyfriend, who confides in him that he feels like they’re not really dating. They bond over the absence of an old version of Julien, which is not so … I don’t know, influencer-y?
  39. Uh, one of the teachers takes pictures of Zoya and Julien’s boyfriend feeling comfortable and shares them with Tavi, aka Gossip Girl? It’s, uh, closer to a sex crime than I’m comfortable with, but okay.
  40. Benefactor BF is literally booed for cheating on Julien when he arrives at school. (Even if he didn’t.) Do his fellow students seriously have nothing else to do? I guess it’s high school, so nobody has something else going on.
  41. LMAO, Julien walks into Christopher John Rogers’ show at The Armory, which … props to the series to include an undated fashion reference, but I feel like CJR wouldn’t be launching an eleventh?
  42. My God, I hope I never hear the words “This is a really big deal for my brand identity” again.
  43. Julien comes up with a shot in which Zoya is banned from the CJR show, while she and benefactor BF (whose name is … Obie?) Are publicly seen inside together.
  44. I get huge threesome vibes from Audrey, her cute pink haired boyfriend, and the Chuck Bass-esque rake who continues to play with the two of them.
  45. Sies Marjan ref!
  46. Uh-oh, Julien loses followers while Zoya gains them. It won’t hold up!
  47. Literally, can you imagine if you showed up on a Christopher John Rogers show, only to be faced with a drama in high school?
  48. I can really relate to the teachers who broadcast the fashion show while drinking cheap beer.
  49. The mean girls AirDrop the outrageous picture of Gossip Girl “from” Zoya’s phone and get her kicked from the fashion show.
  50. Julien and Zoya argue, Zoya saying she never wishes to come to New York and Julien telling her to stand in line. In a way, I don’t think she will!
  51. Benefactor BF comes to the end of the roll and breaks up with Julien. Sorry, but I refuse to call this person “Obie”.
  52. Well the battle lines are drawn between Julien and Zoya, and while it’s not Blair vs. Serena, I’m 100% on board. More please!

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