In the ninth Fast Furious movie, they drive a car in space. They really do.

Roman and Tej hunt down Sean Boswell, Twinkie and Earl, three characters from Tokyo drift which you might not even remember – at a test facility in Germany, where they work installing rockets on a Pontiac Fiero. It is not clear whether this is sanctioned work by nobody– I imagine there is a lot of paperwork when it comes to space travel – but whatever: the point is Roman and Tej have to go to space and these guys can get them there bring. Next thing you know, Roman and Tej wear old-looking spacesuits and go through the stratosphere. They end up connecting to the International Space Station… using nitrous oxide.

But that’s not the most ridiculous part of F9. The most ridiculous isn’t how each member of the team seems to have a degree in electromagnetism; or how they use magnets to destroy several towns and / or kill countless civilians; or the fact that Han’s death is explained by saying that he and Mr. Nobody rigged some kind of illusion at the Prestige; or the appearance of Cardi B; or how Charlize Theron’s Cipher managed to go from dreadlocks to bowl cut while in government custody.

No. The most ridiculous part of F9 is the claim that Vin Diesel and John Cena are alike.

Cena plays Jakob Toretto, Dom’s youngest—100 percent blood-brother. (Because we’re here for other reasons, we can’t spend too much time wondering why the Torettos decided to use the German spelling of the name, but just know that the reason is surely because the writers think a K is scarier than a C.) The reason we’ve never heard a word about Jakob before F9 is because he was apparently involved in the accident that killed Dom’s father, the accident Dom talks about in the original Fast and furious. It is a painful subject. And the reason we hear from him now is because, after being banned from East LA as a teenager, Jakob [checks notes] became a spy who works with the same kind of international villains that Dom’s team has since put aside Fast Five. Their paths have never crossed before – I have to imagine Jakob and his boys were dying to get their hands on God’s eye in furious 7, because it’s as indescribable and menacing as any weapon of mass destruction that everyone is chasing F9-but they are absolutely cross now.

And everyone just says, “Hmm, yeah. I can really see it. Helen Mirren’s character even specifically mentions that their chins look the same!

My whole adult life was built on the idea that Vin Diesel and John Cena couldn’t be brothers. You could say it’s a core belief. And so, in the face of such different arguments, I must undertake a thorough investigation into the characteristics of these two beefcakes to determine who is really telling the truth: me, an ordinary person who is paid somehow to do that sort of thing, or a bunch of fictional street racers who may or may not be demigods. I’m going to divide Diesel and Cena’s traits into five important categories and from there, decide on their relationship potential. It’s not exactly a DNA test, but like Sean Boswell attaching thrusters to a Pontiac, it’s the best we’ve got. Let’s drive.

The eyes

There are drastic differences in color here (which would not in themselves be disqualifying), as well as drastic differences in form, character and openness. Vin Diesel’s eyes are pitch black, a reference to his lead role in The Chronicles of Riddick: Into Pitch Black, while Cena’s are blue. Plus, cropping those pics like this really puts the emphasis on which of these guys are getting their eyebrows done. Either way, I don’t see any connection.

Family Rating: 0 out of 5 crowns

The hair

While researching if the brothers could be uniquely affected by hereditary baldness, I came across this article on a website for the treatment of hair loss. Here is the second sentence of the article: “As a result, there are millions of families whose older brother sports hair that Russell Brand would be proud of while the younger brother is a bit more Vin Diesel.” So first of all: yes, even in the bald community, Diesel is the quintessential example of a bald man.

But secondly, you can’t deduce much from the fact that John Cena has tiny hair and Vin Diesel doesn’t. Hereditary baldness is a game of fate: some sons will inherit the family gene while others will not. Even the hair loss site invokes the gods from the first line of its article. So maybe Jakob got lucky while Dom was hit hard by male pattern baldness in his mid-20s.

Or maybe Dom shaves his head? Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever noticed a single strand of hair all over Dominic Toretto’s body – does this guy shave all over? When Cipher spoke about choice theory in The fate of the furious, was she talking about Dom’s choice to use scorched earth? On to something else, we get distracted.

Family Rating: 2.5 out of 5 crowns

The chin

This is the one we need to discuss because of the aforementioned comments from Magdalene Shaw and… yeah, I’m really not to see it. Honestly, it’s worse than the eyes or the hair. Chins may be the best argument yet for John Cena and Vin Diesel do not resembling each other.

Was Maggie Shaw sarcastic? Am I unable to sense the sarcasm when it’s in a British accent? Am I taking it all too seriously? (Please do not answer.)

Family Rating: 0 out of 5 crowns

Little arms

Before we dive in here, I’m going to have to show you the full version of the above photo from Diesel:

Why, yes, it’s Vin Diesel on high quality stilts at the UK premiere of guardians of the galaxy in 2014. And, no, I don’t know why. Guess it’s because he’s Groot (see the T-shirt?), But it’s not like he has to wear stilts while filming the movie. He wasn’t even on set for the filming of the film.

But anyway, back to the arms. It’s clear these guys’ arms aren’t small – parts of their arms are bigger than my entire head, and it looks like John Cena is carrying the Hulk’s fists all the time. But if Vin Diesel and John Cena in fact having small arms isn’t so much the topic here – what matters is the fact that neither of them seem able to wrap their arms around their own body. Of course, other factors can contribute to it, but the end result is the appearance of small arms. And honestly, it’s a category that makes a good argument for Diesel and Cena to actually be related, so for F9for love, let’s not separate him.

Family Rating: 5 out of 5 crowns

The way a tank top rests on their shoulders

First of all, after Vin Diesel sees these two photos next to each other, he’s going to have his contract written down that John Cena can never to be shirtless in a Quickly movie. But apart from the obvious difference in muscle mass, which I rule out by imagining that Jakob really in the gym after the ban while Dom was soggy after eating too many Little Brian’s ice cream sandwiches – I see kind of a resemblance here! The two bodies are fair begging to get under the hood of a Dodge Charger. The tank is comfortable on both, which is a quality that only a rare few exhibit.

Family Rating: 4 out of 5 crowns

Total Family Score: 11.5 out of 25 crowns

You know I tried to prove that Vin Diesel and John Cena Absolutely do not look alike, but I think I persuaded myself? It’s almost as shocking as Dominic Toretto forgetting to tell his family about his real family. But although they have different eyes, head shapes, and chins, the two characters share some similarities, the most important of which is their ability to pass the Tank Top Test. Looks like I’m gonna have to find another ridiculous thing to F9 to get excessively upset. If only the list weren’t so short.



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