They are each attractive in a way that should be criminal.
Photo: GC Images

Spoilers ahead for the first episode of HBO Max’s Gossip Girl reboot. (The main spoiler being “everyone’s hot.”) XOXO

Gossip Girl is back and with it comes the question I was left with at the end of the first series: could you even imagine being this sexy in high school? What would you do? What would you do do not do? What terrible things would you try to get away with, your only alibi being “I mean… look at me”?

We learned a lot in the first episode of the Gossip Girl revival: who will be our new enemies à la Serena and Blair (half-sisters Julien Calloway and Zoya Lott); who is the most horny (me but also Max Wolfe, who is Chuck Bass but makes him bisexual); who is Gossip Girl (the twists and turns of the pilot episode? Extremely attractive !!). However, just like my own experience in high school, the information I remember best is not related to plots, understanding the story, or facts that will help me on the story. Gossip Girl Final exam. This is who I have a crush on (everyone). Sometimes it takes me three tries to spell “restaurant” correctly, but I can absolutely tell you all the people I loved between the ages of 14 and 18.

I would let these gorgeous teens intimidate me.
Photo: HBO

Cool kids? Hot. The outcasts? Hot. Teachers, parents, celebrity cameos? Hot, hot and – say it with me – hot !! Even the voice of Gossip Girl, who is, again, Kristen Bell, sounds hot and mean and, did I mention, hot? I would give her my lunch money if she told me in a voice note. You can pause most of the footage on this show and say, “Would you like to watch this wonderful cast? “

Plus, it’s amazing what TV executives will try to pass off as a teenager. Are you telling me that these people are not of voting age?

My Holy Trinity: Luna, Julien and Monet
Photo: HBO

Tavi Gevinson, 25, plays a teacher (!) Named Kate Keller although Gevinson is younger than a handful of the main cast. Instagram / Queen Bee influencer Julien Calloway is played by 27-year-old Jordan Alexander. Luna La, Julien’s girlfriend / social media manager, is played by 26-year-old Zión Moreno. Of course, the cast being significantly different from their characters is for the best, otherwise this entire post would be grossly inappropriate. Also, I feel like I, an old man, could possibly pass for a cool teenager if I wore the right shoes and a big jacket.

If it’s any consolation to the rest of us, when you’re hot in high school, you don’t have a chance to develop a personality. So you become a still hot but boring adult. It is true and it is a fact, and I will not answer further questions. It’s a small sacrifice to have a face that would make other people commit crimes on your behalf. All that to say that I would steal a car for all this beautiful casting.

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